35. Does Your Unsupportive Partner Have a Secret?

The security at the colony gates refused to let in the trucks carrying their new furniture. Sunil saw his wife struggling but chose to remain aloof and uninvolved. At dinner, when she urged him to talk to the RWA and report the matter, he was miffed. The only voice that filled his mind was, why is she pushing me into a fight with the welfare association? Instantly his head felt heavy and he retreated into his shell. Both husband and wife left the dinner table feeling upset & misunderstood.

On the face of it Sunil’s behaviour seemed to be unmanly and irresponsible. Did he not care about his wife? Why was he behaving in such an unsupportive way? Why couldn’t he just intervene and resolve matters? It seemed so simple, and yet it wasn’t, because what lay beneath was frightening.

As we turned the pages of his life, we saw Sunil in college. His friend is being teased by a big burly classmate and they are about to get into a fight. Sunil steps in to help his friend but this makes the big guy really angry who threatens to bash their heads. Fear consumes Sunil in those moments as he recalls the look on the big guys face. Feeling inadequate, he suddenly becomes aware of a feeling of being powerless.

Moving further back to age twelve Sunil sees himself in a fight with the neighbourhood boys. An adult appears on the scene and starts shouting at them. Feeling threatened by the older man’s stance, Sunil feels powerless yet again. Memories of his hostel days flash across his mind and he remembers a distinct inner voice telling him that he must avoid powerful people.

As he travels back to identify the source of this powerlessness, he comes across several incidents at age seven where he is bullied and teased by cousins and classmates because he tries to rescue a friend. Clearly there is a pattern of Sunil stepping in for someone that he cares about and then getting beaten up for attempting to support them. But the worst part is that every time this happens, the belief that I am powerless becomes more hard wired in his brain.

On deeper investigation we discover that the seed of this powerlessness lies on a massive stage occupied by Russian women and combat men. The Indo China war has just got over and Sunil’s, father who is a scientist with CSIR, is hosting a big event for the Russian delegates. As part of the presentation that evening he has arranged for some Nepalese boys to dress up as Chinese spies to create an atmosphere of war. They appear on stage in the most dramatic way heightening the drama.

Three year old Sunil, who is also invited to the merriment that evening, is anything but merry. Having heard hushed conversations about the war and about death and dying, he is scared. Then, in a moment of aplomb, he is asked to join the dignitaries on stage so he can be introduced as the son of the scientist. As he walks up the stage, amidst the tall and bulky Russian wives, the back of his head starts to ache and a deep fear of not being safe overtakes him. Walking onto the stage, the ambience makes him feel unprotected and scared. Against the backdrop of towering women, men disguised as soldiers, conversations about war and an unfamiliar stage where powerful people are standing, Sunil develops the first traces of inadequacy and powerlessness. Once this secret is uncovered, healing takes place rapidly as the memories are processed. Soon the pain in his head vanishes and he feels more ready and confident to address the issues about the security with the RWA.

Unresolved memories can cause havoc in your adult life. It is important to uncover these source memories, process and heal them so you can be powerful and effective.

If you are struggling with some unresolved issues in your life, call a therapist today and uncover the secrets of your subconscious mind.