What To Do When Your Wife Complains

Q: Whenever I spend time with my wife she keeps

complaining that we don’t spend time enough time together. This just takes away the joy of being with her. Please advise what I should do?

A: Dear K

Find out what the hidden cause underlying

that complaint really is. A lot of women tend to gather their grievances until they can no longer contain them. That’s usually when they have an outburst. Since the trigger itself is not the primary cause, they may be unable to articulate exacatly what is bothering them and express it as a non specific issue like not spending enough time together. The real solution lies in discovering what it is she really wants to do with you in that time together, assuming you had all the time in the world.

1. Explore whether she is facing emotional neglect.

Sometimes despite being surrounded by a houseful of people she can be very lonely within herself. Find out if she is feeling neglected, lonely or misunderstood? Is she facing problems with other people such as in-laws, which she wants to share and seek your understanding or counsel about? Is she bored of just performing her duties and chores and does she want some simple fun time out with you? Take her out for a coffee or plan evening walks together so that she can rediscover or find a friend in you.

2. Does she need to vent her feelings?

Sometimes all a woman wants is to be heard and have a shoulder to cry on. She doesn’t want you to find solutions or fix her problems, she doesn’t want help in finding her way about, she simply wants to be understood in a non judgmental way so that she knows there is someone who understands and cares for her. Someone that she can rely on and turn to at all times. She merely needs your listening and patience. And yes if you can hug her, that’s even better.

3. Is she suffering from monotony & fatigue?

A woman plays so many varied roles and has so many responsibilities that go unacknowledged every day that she can end up feeling exhausted from the monotony of her full but boring life. Cooking, cleaning, parenting, working outside of home, networking, fulfilling social responsibilities, running an efficient home, looking after the family etc is more than a full time job and can be physically draining. Perhaps what she really needs is a holiday.

4. Is she feeling a loss of identity?

For women who don’t work outside of home this can be a big issue. They play so many roles as mother, wife, daughter- in –law, sister etc that they easily lose their own identity in these roles. They almost forget who they truly are. Does she need to reconnect back with her school or college friends, does she need to find a hobby or a passion that she does only because she enjoys it and not as a service to her loved ones.

5. Is she seeking intimacy?

Every woman wants to feel beautiful and desirable. Often this is not so easy when you are busy changing diapers, keeping up nights or even watching over your teenager and helping them prepare for entrance exams. It helps to schedule a romantic dinner date or go for an impromptu long drive or ice cream without the children. Remember also to compliment her when she dresses up for that wedding you have to attend or that dinner date. A surprise gift or bouquet of flowers, even a single red rose can be powerful in reminding her how special she is. Most importantly hug and hold her each day in a comforting, non sexual way.

6. Is she seeking something more out of life?

Often, there are times when everything about life seems perfect and yet she may feel emptiness inside that makes her feel that surely there is more to life. This feeling is so vague and yet it can make a woman almost depressive because she lacks fulfillment that comes from serving a larger cause or purpose in life. Find out if she is feeling the need to contribute to others outside her home or make a difference to society in a meaningful way. Does she want to volunteer time at an NGO or teach little children? Help her find ways to be more fulfilled. Learning new skills and enrolling for a weekend retreat or workshop can be enriching.



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